To make matters worse, puberty came REALLY early for me. By the time I was 9 years old I had a figure like a Coke bottle and I had started my cycle. I couldn't wrap my head around all the changes my body was going through (neither could my parents). With all curves came a whole lot of unwanted attention from older boys and men. For that reason, I was not allowed to go anywhere by myself except school. I couldn't even go to the corner store which was literally a stones throw from my house.
Shopping for clothes was a nightmare. Where do you shop for a girl who is 10 years old, 5'9" and whose measurements are 38-28-38? Every thing was cut too low and showed off my curves too much. As a result I wore a lot pants and over sized shirts. By the way, when your 10 years old your nickname at school shouldn't be "Brick House". During this time I decided that I would rather be fat than curvy. So I began to overeat and put on weight so my curves wouldn't show as much.
Me at age 10 feeling like a caterpillar
When I was 12 I begged my parents to let me go to finishing school so I could learn how to be beautiful, elegant and graceful. They paid $400.00 for me to take a finishing course at a modeling school. Money I'm sure that could have been spent on more important things. I think it helped a little.
But, I still felt like this 
and not that 
.
.Now let’s fast forward to high school. I still felt like a caterpillar. I had gotten taller and curvier and was still attracting the wrong kind of attention from boys and men. I couldn't go anywhere without some man or boy talking under my clothes, groping me on the city bus or in the hallway at school or staring at me.
Senior Picture Age 16
I was completely shocked that I was chosen. A group of men saw something special in me that I didn't see in myself. I almost turned down this honor because I didn't think that I deserved it. After I received this I felt like a caterpillar with butterfly potential.
When I was in graduate school I had to work as a hostess at a formal event being thrown by the agency where I was doing my internship. I had the perfect dress to wear to this occasion. I would be a butterfly for sure in this dress.
Age 25
But, the seamstress who altered the dress moved the slit up higher after I specifically told her not to. The slit is supposed to be at the top of my knee and not in the middle of my thigh. There was no time to fix it or get another dress. I was so uncomfortable with that much leg showing. I couldn't even sit down because the slit was up to my hip when I sat. This evening did not turn out how I had envisioned it. I would remain a caterpillar.
In 2004 I got very ill. I had this terrible cough I couldn't get rid of. I went to the doctor. My pulse oxygen level was 60 on room air. It's supposed to be 90 to 100. My doctor told me that I was in serious condition and that I needed to be hospitalized. He went on to tell me that it was I blessing that I came in to see him because I most likely would have died within the next 24 hours had I not. Three days into my hospitalization I was showing no signs of improvement. I had a lung CT scan and it showed that every time I coughed my airway would spasm and would stop breathing for a few seconds. My medications and oxygen were increased. I asked my doctors if I was going to die. Their response was "I don't know". Later in the day my nurse told me that my doctors were giving me 12 hours to improve and that if there was no improvement that I would have to be put on a respirator. I went in to prayer and read my bible. The next morning I had improved and didn't need to be put on the respirator. I was released from the hospital the following day. A month later it was my birthday and I decided that life was too short and got this.
I figured that if I couldn't be butterfly, I could have one tattooed on my body. By the way, that's my son's name (Vaughn) under the butterfly.
Several years later I went on a lake cruise. It was a theme cruise and everyone was to wear yellow and white. I wore this dress
I didn't feel much like a butterfly on this occasion because my accessories were a cane and an ankle brace due to a fall earlier in the year. As a result of the fall I was basically confined to my couch except for going to work for almost 2 years (doctors orders). During that time I gained 50 pounds. I was very unhappy. I came to the conclusion that I would be a caterpillar forever.
Several years later I went on a lake cruise. It was a theme cruise and everyone was to wear yellow and white. I wore this dress
In 2010 a coworker started a health initiative at work and we did a Biggest Loser competition. I lost 19 pounds and got this
I was very proud of myself. This was huge boost for myself esteem. I felt like I was in a cocoon waiting to emerge as a butterfly. A few week later I was getting ready for work and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was was stunned and for a split second didn't recognize myself. I kept looking at my reflection and began to cry. I was crying because this was the first time I looked in the mirror and saw someone beautiful looking back at me. I didn't see all the flaws I usually see and criticize. In that moment I became a Butterfly. I felt like I had been reborn, like I had taken my first breath. I can't think of any other words to describe how I felt. I had this new confidence I had never felt before. It felt incredible and I felt like this
I felt so confident. Confidence was a feeling that was foreign to me. I was feeling so confident that I bought this dress and attended a formal event all by myself.
Looking back, I realized that I had been a butterfly the whole time. I just couldn't see it or believe it.
If you know anyone who struggles with self esteem, share this story. I think it will help.
