Healing Waters

I recently took a much needed vacation. I went on my first cruise. This was my first vacation in a long time that didn't involve being with family.  I was however with my Cullen's Corner Family (Cullen, Paulette, Dee, Nikki and Lamont).
I really needed this trip because I felt like I was headed for a nervous breakdown.  Everything was falling down around my head and I couldn't make it stop.  I almost couldn't go on the cruise at the last minute because of a financial crisis that popped up out of nowhere.  My Corner Family calmed my nerves and said "We got you.  Nothing is going to stop you from going on this cruise".   So I stepped out on faith and went anyway.
While on the cruise I saw such beauty in the color of the the ocean.  I had never seen anything that blue and clear in my life.  It was further confirmation to me that there is a God and he created that shade of blue.  I knew that I wanted and needed to experience ocean with all of my senses.
I went to the beach in the Caymans and saw the blue of the ocean up close and it was even more beautiful than I thought it was. I got in the water and let it surround me and wash over me. It felt like a new baptism because all my stress, anxiety, fears and insecurities were drowned in the ocean. The sound of waves spoke to me and said that I would never be the same because my new beginning had arrived. I even tasted the salt on my skin which made me realize that what I was experiencing in that moment was real and not a figment of my imagination.

I laid on my back and just floated. I immersed myself in the sights, sounds, taste and feel of the ocean and knew I had been healed on an emotional and spiritual level. The old me drowned in the ocean that day and the new me was resurrected in her place.
I am eternally thankful for this experience because without it I would have never gotten the breakthrough, healing, revelations and clarity that I desperately needed.  It was an experience that I will never forget or take for granted.

Healing Waters

It's Just Hair

What is wrong with us?  By us I mean mostly mean African Americans.  Why are we so focused on hair?  In the grand scheme of things it holds no significance at all.  Why is it so important?

Gabby Douglas has accomplished something that has NEVER been done by an African American gymnast and all people can talk about is her Hair.  Were you so focused on her hair that you missed the part about her making HISTORY?!  Gabby Douglas is a GOLD MEDAL GYMNAST not a beauty pageant contestant.

What positive contribution have you so called journalists made to your nation?  My guess is NONE.   What kind of personal sacrifice has any of you made to represent your country.  Don't you have something more important to report about or is the extent of your capabilities? I'm guessing that it is.

To my African American "journalists" who participated in bashing Gabby's hair, SHAME ON YOU.  Did you ever stop to consider that your remarks would cause a controversy that would further divide us as a people?  When are WE going to stop focusing on HAIR?  I thought that the good vs bad hair debate was over.  IT'S HAIR!!!  IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT!!!  All you have you have managed is tarnishing a very proud moment in Gabby Douglas' life and a moment in OUR HISTORY.   Again, SHAME ON YOU!!!

Gabby Douglas is a beautiful African American young woman who won a a gold medal.  Her hair is not what defines her.  Who she is as person is what defines her.

Do You Know Who You Are?

A couple of years ago a potential mate asked me "Who are you?".  He told me to answer the question without using the words mother, sister, friend, daughter or saying what I did for a living.  I couldn't answer the question because I had wrapped my life around these roles.  I had forgotten who I was without all of that.  I had become who and what other people expected me to be at the expense of who I really am.  I didn't know how to think or feel about anything.

Since that time, I have been rediscovering who I am.  I have started doing thing I used to enjoy again and finding new things to enjoy as well.    I now express my opinions.  I no longer agree just to agree or just to get along.  I am no longer overly concerned with what people think of me.  I don't allow what people think of me to impact my thoughts, attitude or behavior.  I will ask for input from others, but ultimately the decision will be mine.

On this road to self discovery I'm sure there will be people will be unhappy with me, say that I've changed, will be judgmental or criticize.  That's their issue not mine.  The ultimate goal is for me to find out who I am, what I want and to embrace it.  To just be ME without fear, quilt, shame or regret.

^^^^^^^ This sums up my point.^^^^^^^

So, now I'm asking you, yes you, the person reading this blog at this very moment, "Who are you?".  If you know who you are that's great.  If you don't know or aren't sure, then It's time to find out.  Life is too short.
If you are looking for a place where you fully express yourself and just be you check out Cullen's Corner Hot Topics at cullenscorner.com and join the site.  Membership is free.  Joining this site has helped me tremendously with my journey to self discovery.  On cullenscorner.com you can write your own blog and be part of the discussions posted there among other things.  For example you could participate in upcoming webinars happening September through January covering the topics of self discovery, financial planning, gratitude, and personal spirit.

I hope to see you there.

Fifty Shades of Its Been Done Before

When I first heard about Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy I didn't understand what the big deal was about.  After all, erotic literature has been around for centuries.  It dates back to ancient Greece and Rome. There is even erotica in the Bible in the book Song of Songs. It's nothing new. So why all the fuss now?

 

 

Being that erotic literature is one of my favorite genres, I had to read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.  I had heard all the buzz about the bondage, domination, sadism, masochism (BDSM) theme in the books.  Again this is nothing new. For example The Story of O (1975) has a very strong BDSM story line.

 
I am a very open minded person, but the BDSM story line made me nervous.  Being that I am a psychotherapist, the psychology of BDSM was also intriguing to me. BDSM is a subject that I didn't understand and had a lot of preconceived notions about.  In order to read the books I had to do some research and educate myself on BDSM.  Any time I don't understand something I research it instead of judging it.  I learned a lot about the BDSM and have a better understanding of  that world.    I will leave you to do your own research on the subject. Wikipedia is a good place to start.

These two really need to get to know each other and learn how to get along.

In reading the trilogy I particularly enjoyed the Anastasia Steel character in the books because of  the way her subconscious and inner goddess played a part in the story line.  Reading the books helped me get in touch with my own subconscious and inner goddess and how these two sides of my personality impact my behavior. It was a different take on the devil and the angel on the shoulder theme. 





In the second book I liked how the story gave some information about his biological mother and how it ties into his involvement with BDSM.  It made me wonder if people who engage in BDSM have also had abuse histories as children that caused them to gravitate toward this lifestyle.



I particularly enjoyed the the third book in the trilogy because it had a happy ending that I didn't think it would have.  It was a testimony of how a person can have terrible past and can still have happiness in their future.

In reading the books I realized that the story was not about BDSM at all.  It was a story about love, acceptance and compromise within a relationship and how these elements are key to the success of any relationship. If readers focus on the the BSDM elements then they have in my opinion missed the whole point of the story.

He's a Boy!!!

When I gave birth to my son everyone told be to be prepared because boys are a handful and that they are hardheaded.  They said to be prepared to spend a lot of time in the emergency room because boys are adventurous daredevils.  They said that I'll find him hanging out of windows and jumping off garages.  They also said that I should be prepared for him to be destructive because that's how boys are.  I didn't pay any of that any attention.

I was going to have a good boy and not have any of those problems.  It didn't exactly turn out the way I thought it would.  Turns out, everything I was told about raising a boy was true. My son is 11 now and over the years there has been a lot of destruction (some accidental some on purpose), a few trips to the ER (one this week in fact) and he is VERY hardheaded.  I thought the hardheadedness was him be disrespectful toward me but it's not.  Boys learn by trial and error.  I can tell my son not to do something and he will do it anyway because he wants to see what will happen for himself even if that means he gets hurt or something gets broken.  The consequences never fit into the equation so he seldom thinks before he acts.  This has been more true over the last  two weeks than it ever has. The following is a list of what has gone wrong simply because he didn't listen to me.

1. His TV fell off the dresser because he kept jumping around in his room after I told him repeatedly to stop.  The TV didn't work the rest on the day. My son's response "you can just buy me another one".
2. A broken window in his room because he insisted on having the rocking chair in front of the window after I told him to to put it back in the corner.  He was actually shocked that the window broke. All I could say was "I told you so".
3. A broken dresser drawer because he put ALL of the rocks he collected from the beach in the drawer after I specifically told him not to.  His response was "I didn't think the rocks were that heavy".  
4. A broken bed because he decided to move his bed.  Now all the bolts that hold the bed frame together are loose and pulled out a little. Mind you it's a sleigh bed and it's not on wheels.
5. Small slits in the couch because he wasn't paying attention when his pet rabbit jumped up on the couch and clawed the couch. I have repeatedly told him to watch the rabbit and not to let him get on the furniture.
6. Stitches in his thumb and finger because he accidentally cut himself with a flat head screwdriver trying to take apart a toy.  I didn't find out that he hurt himself until 3 hours later.  His response "it didn't hurt that bad".  He knows that he is not allowed to use my tools without permission.  

When I told people about all the mishaps I've had with my son recently the only response I got was "well he's a boy". If someone tells me that one more time, I'M GOING TO SCREAM.!!!   So I'm just supposed to sit back and expect things like this to happen????  I think if he just listened to me we could avoid a lot of this mess.  I guess he will continue to learn the hard way and will continue to fix the things he breaks and drive him to the emergency room when he hurts himself because I am a mother.

Life With Daddy

When I was a little girl my Daddy did my hair in the morning because my Mom worked third shift and wasn't home in the morning.  Truth be told, he did a better job than mother.  My Dad cooked me breakfast every morning to make sure my day started out right.  He would be up before the sun making eggs, sausage, bacon, grits, cream of wheat, or oatmeal with raisins.  There was no such thing as eating cold cereal for breakfast except on Saturdays.

When I got a little older my Dad taught me how to use tools and fix things because he didn't want me to always depend on man when things got broken.  His daughter was never going to be a damsel in distress. Because of Daddy I know the difference between a flat head and Phillips head screwdriver.  I know how to use a socket wrench and a hand saw.  Daddy showed me how to use a stud finder and level is so I could hang pictures on the wall and they won't be crooked.   Because of my Dad I knew how to change the belts and spark plugs, check all the fluids in the car and how to change a flat tire long before I knew how to drive.  Daddy even taught me how fish. I could always cast a line better than Daddy and I always caught more fish than he did.

When I was a teenager I thought Daddy was crazy because he would never let me go anywhere by myself except school.  If a boy even looked in my direction, Daddy would give him the "I'll kill you and go have coffee" look.  It used to make me so angry.  I remember when Daddy jumped out of the car with a bat when he picked me up from school because he saw a boy  was hugging me.  That let every other boy know that I was off limits.  In that moment I knew Daddy wasn't wrapped tight.  When I was a freshman in high school, a senior asked me to go to homecoming with him.  I respectfully declined because I knew Daddy would say no and possibly kill me for even talking to a boy that much older than me. I envisioned Daddy getting his shotgun when he saw this boy pull up in front the house to pick up his 13 year old daughter.  I also knew that my mother would cosign on that no and would be handing Daddy the shotgun shells.  I later understood that all crazy behavior was his way of protecting me.

The most important lesson my father taught me was what a gentleman is.  He taught me what a gentleman is by treating my mother like a lady.  He he told me "how I treat your mother is how I should expect a man to treat me".  Daddy had to remind of this lesson when I started dating.  I thought my boyfriend at the time was treating like I was helpless.  Daddy told me that my boyfriend was being chivalrous and treating me like a lady when he opened doors for me, pulled out my chair when I sat down, insisted on paying for everything when we went out, and came to the door instead of blowing the horn for me to come out.  Daddy taught me that when a man gives me a single red rose it means that he loves me and has chosen me to be his.  He told me that a single red rose means so much more than getting a whole dozen.  I strayed from that lesson and got hurt a lot in relationships.  I'm getting back to what he taught me about men and I'm making better choices when it comes to being in relationships.  

When my father was teaching me all of these things I didn't appreciate it at the time.  I do now though.  I know that I would be lost in this world if I didn't have my Daddy.  If you are a father of a daughter your relationship with her is so important and should never be taken for granted.  Daughters need their father as much as their sons do. 

A Return to the Fun Me

Last night, Friday, I was home and in the bed by 10:30.  My son had gone to bed already and was sound asleep.  The house oddly quiet.  I was bored and restless.  Nothing was holding my attention except writing this blog and Antiques Roadshow.

It wasn't that long ago that at this time of night I would I would be putting on my jet black stockings, my little black dress and my favorite black high heels for a night out with friends and sometimes by myself.  What happened to all that?  When did I become a fuddy duddy?  When did going to bed become the highlight of my day?  Did I get get old, boring or both?  That's a horrifying thought considering I'm only 41.

I'm remembering a time when my favorite person to hang out with was me.  I really used to enjoy my own company.  Not that I don't enjoy the company of others.  If my friends were busy or just didn't want to go out, I wasn't about to sit at home and twiddle my thumbs.  So, I would take myself to the movies, dinner, concerts and go on day trips. I even bought myself flowers every week.  When did I stop enjoying spending time with me?  When did I start neglecting me and why didn't I notice?

It's time to show me a some attention.  So, I will start taking myself out on a regular basis and start doing the things I enjoy again.  I will take the time to get reacquainted with myself and have some new experiences.  Along the way I may meet some new people and build new friendships. I think I'll start next weekend. Maybe I'll see you where ever I end up going.

These are my new favorite high heeled shoes.

This will be my new little black dress

Not Seeing Is Believing

So, I'm almost 42, never been married, and a single parent.  People who know me and know me well, don't understand why I'm still single.  Frankly, neither do I.  After all, I'm intelligent, kindhearted, devoted, loving, etc.  With all of that going for me I should be at least 10 years into a marriage.  According to some unsupported statistics, I have a better chance of being killed by a terrorist than  getting married at my age.  I disagree.

I used to think that there was something wrong with me when relationships didn't work out.  Then I came to realize that there was nothing wrong with me or the men I was in relationships with.  We just simply came into each others lives for a reason and a season and to learn a lesson from the experience.

I believe that I will get married one day, just not on my time table.  I believe in God and that He has a plan for me concerning marriage.  The Bible Says: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future-Jeremiah 29:11.  My hope is that there is a husband in my future. I also have faith in God's plan for me concerning my future husband.  According to Hebrews 11:1 faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  

Because I have faith, I know that I will get married and have an amazing marriage with my husband.  Out of that faith, I have already planned my wedding and keep those plans in a binder.  My vows are written. I know what kind of dress I want to wear.  I know what song I will walk down the isle to.  I have sketched my wedding cake.  I will be prepared when he (whoever he is) asks me to be his wife.  Most importantly, I see my life the day after I say my vows. The day after my wedding I see myself loving and submitting to my husband. I see myself doing all the things that make him happy and in love with me. I see my husband loving me, cherishing me, providing for me and leading our marriage.  I can see all of this because I walk by faith not by sight.

I have a question for you if you have doubts that you'll get married.  Where is your faith?  

Losing It All

In January of this year I decided that I didn't want to be overweight anymore.  I have struggled with my weight my whole life.  I have made several attempts to lose weight over the years.  I have made progress, but never accomplished the goal because I gave up out of frustration or was sidelined because of injuries or illness.

This time I am determined to accomplish my goal.  I was not going to let severe osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia stop me this time.  I bought a Wii Fit Plus and started using the exercise equipment I already had.  That first Wii Fit Plus workout kicked my tail!!!  The next day I came back for more and stuck with it. I had even worked myself up to 2 workouts a day. I was very proud of myself.  I started walking as well. I walk 5 miles per day at least three days a week.  This week I kicked it up a notch and added ankle weights.  Who knew that strapping a 1.5lb weight to each ankle would make that much difference.  My legs, hips and behind hurt in places I didn't know I had.  But, that lets me know it's working!!!

The other piece to taking the weight off was going to be changing my diet completely. This was going to be the hard part.  I really like anything fried and everything that covered in frosting or chocolate with ice cream or whipped cream.  I also had to stop eating out so much.  Good bye McDonalds, Burger King, Culvers, KFC, Applebees, Cheesecake Factory and every fish place in the city (love my catfish filet and shrimp dinners).

My favorite meal at McDonalds

                                                                   

The best onion rings

So good it makes me cuss

OMG!!!!

  

Love their chicken.

What I used to eat for lunch every Friday.

To be completely honest, I haven't said good bye completely to these foods.  I have them in moderation. I maybe have these foods once a month if that often.  I also have adjusted the portion size like getting the small instead of the large fries.  Having a one scoop sundae instead of a three scoop one.  Eating half a slice of red velvet cheese cake and saving the rest for another day.  Initially, making small and gradual changes in my diet was important because big changes changes made me feel deprived and I craved these foods more as a result.  When I do eat out I look for things that are lower in calories.  I eat a lot of subway and rotisserie chicken. 

I have also learned to make healthier choices and read the food lables when I shop.  I was shocked to learn how much fat and calories are in the food I was eating.  When I cook at home, I don't fry anything.  Everything gets baked, broiled or boiled.  I am also eating more fruit, vegetables, and whole grains. Now my meals look like this and my son loves it too.

I think I'll have this for dinner today

                   

It's not fried but it looks delicious.

                   

This is what I eat for snacks.

Now dessert looks like this



This has not been an easy journey at all.  I have had set backs and wanted to give up because I wasn't getting results fast enough or because I gained a half a pound or only lost that much in a week.  I had to learn that I was putting too much pressure on myself and that it was working against me.  I just needed to relax and take it one day at a time.  I was so focused on the end goal that I didn't see the changes that were happening.  A very good friend reminded me that  this weight loss journey I'm on is marathon and not a race.  He is so right about that.  It took years for me to put on this weight.  I had an unrealistic expectation that I could loose all the weight I needed to lose in a few months.  So, I set realistic shot term goals for myself which will help me reach my long term goal of losing 100 lbs by  January 15, 2013.  The daily encouragement I get from friends and family have also helped me stay focused on this journey.

I hope this has helped you with your journey to losing it all.

Missing Me

Up until 1996 my life was pretty normal with its usual ups and downs.  Then, out of no where things started to just fall apart.  I spent a lot of time at the doctor trying to figure out what was wrong.  I had multiple tests done.  The only things the doctors could come up with was that I had endometriosis, fibroid tumors, and acid reflux disease.  None of those things explained the constant horrible pain throughout my body and still being extremely tired no matter how much sleep I got.  The only explanation I got was that I was depressed and and needed to be medicated for it.  I knew that wasn't the problem because I didn't have any symptoms of depression and refused to be treated for it.

Fast forward to about June1999. I still felt terrible with no explanation.  I decided that maybe I would feel better if I started working out.  I joined a gym and started working out. I was at the gym Monday through Friday before work. I did a two hour work out, took a shower at the gym and was at work by 8:00am. If I was restless of bored I worked out the weekends too.  I felt better and worse all at the same time.  The weight was coming off, but the pains in my body were worse. I pushed through it and still managed to workout 5 day a week.

In January 2000 I pulled a ligament in my knee during a work out. During the course of treatment I told the orthopedic surgeon about the pain I was having throughout my body.  He said that the pain I was feeling was not normal at all and referred me to a rheumatologist.

I saw the rheumatologist in February.  He did a physical exam in which he gently, with one finger, pressed lightly specific parts of my body. Everywhere he touched caused me significant pain.  The strange thing was that he was barely touching me. I vividly remember him pressing his finger on my chest just below my collar bone and it felt like he put his whole fist through my chest.  He also asked questions about other health problems and my sleeping patterns. Within 15 minutes he determined that I had fibromyalgia (I'll tell what is in a minute). Then he said the three words I fear the most "There's No Cure".  He explained what is was, how it's treated and how to manage it.  He went on to say that I should stop working and apply for disability ASAP. I looked at him like he had lost his mind. No way on God's green earth that was going to happen!!!!! He wrote me four prescriptions and said he wanted to see me in 2 months. 

In a nut shell fibromyalgia is a disorder that causes muscle pain and fatigue (feeling tired). People with fibromyalgia have “tender points” on the body. Tender points are specific places on the neck, shoulders, back, hips, arms, and legs. These points hurt when pressure is put on them.
People with fibromyalgia may also have other symptoms, such as:

• Trouble sleeping
• Morning stiffness
• Headaches
• Painful menstrual periods
• Tingling or numbness in hands and feet
•  Problems with thinking and memory (sometimes called “fibro fog”)

In order to be diagnosed with fibromyalgia you have to have at 11 tender points. I have all 18

I took the medication and really didn't feel any better.  The pain was worse  The medication just made the fibro fog worse and I couldn't concentrate.  I began to have memory lapses as well.  I went back to the rheumatologist and told him things were not any better with the medication.  He asked me about how active I was and I told him that I worked out 5 days a week.  The rheumatologist told me that my workouts were the cause of my increased pain. I didn't understand that at all. He told me that my workouts were triggering the pain center of my brain resulting in a trauma response in my body, causing the fybromyalgia symptoms to get worse.  He told me to give up my gym membership and stop working out. Did I listen? Of course not.  I was down 50 pounds and looking incredible.  I was not about to to give that up.

A month later I'm back at the doctor feeling the worst I have ever felt.  He asked if I stopped working out.  I said no. He reminded me that I really needed to stop going to the gym and told me my body need to rest.  Again, I didn't listen.  About a week later I woke up and couldn't move at all.  I was in excruciating pain. The only thing I could do was breathe, blink and cry.  It took two hours for me to roll over and sit up. I couldn't stand. I literally had to crawl on my hands and knees.  I called in sick that day.  The next day I cancelled my gym membership.

In 2005 I decided that I was done taking medications for fibromyalgia. They weren't working and the only thing the doctor could do was increase the dosage or give me stronger medication.  To me that was a fast track to being a drug addict.  I wanted no parts of that.  Only Tylenol and Ibuprofen for this chick!!!!

The most frustrating thing about having fibromyalgia is that no one really understands what I go through. Best way I can explain fibromyalgia is that it's like having the body aches of the flu times 10. Imagine having the flu and the body aches NEVER EVER go away.  That's fibromyalgia minus all the other stuff that comes with it.  the most common reaction I get is "well, you don't look sick to me" and "you cant possibly be that tired.  It's beyond frustrating.

The following are images related to fibromyalgia with my commentary.  I hope they help you understand what having this illness is like.

Did you read the fine print?

This symbol might be my next tattoo.  I love the way it incorporates my favorite color and some of my favorite images.

Vicious Cycle

All of the above

An excellent depiction of how I feel every day.

                                             

I miss the person I used to be and the life I had before fibromyalgia. I miss me.  Twelve years after being diagnosed I am finally learning how to accept the me I am now and the life I have today.  If keep looking backwards I'll never move forward and will miss my future in the process.